Gryph's Lair

Decided to finally let my intuition out of the box to play. Funny- I didn't realize how much I missed it. Along with my ex trying so hard to "discourage" it (of course now that I know he was cheating for so long it makes perfect sense), I also think that I was trying to tamp it down unconsciously as well. There were too many signs that my conscious mind couldn't seem to piece together. I think I didn't want to have to piece them together, in the hopes that I was really, really wrong. Turns out I wasn't.
I used to depend so much on my instincts, those gut feelings that just seemed to lead me along. I think my blocking them out is part of the reason I have been getting stuck with my writing lately. I remembered today about a meeting with my school counselor in high school. She was asking me about my parents' divorce, I think, and she asked me how I get away from all the stress. I told her I rode my horse, I read, and I wrote stories. Writing stories was my favorite way, because I could just completely escape. She was concerned with that answer, and probed further. I explained to her that when I wrote my stories, I just... disappeared into it. I didn't have to think, I didn't have to work at it, the words just flowed into my head, and it was just my job to get them down on paper. I know that doesn't seem to make much sense, but that's really how it works. Unfortunately, lately, as in the last however many years, that hasn't worked so well for me.

I think that is going to change very soon. Over the last few years, I've had snatches of feelings here and there, and sometimes I've trusted them. Usually I just ignored them because really, is it Spirit talking to me, or is just my desires rising to the surface? I had learned to doubt myself, and unlearning something is always more difficult than learning. But I'm working on it. In the past two weeks or so the gates have opened further and further.

Just within the last week alone, I decided for no reason to make a much larger lunch than usual (roasted root veggies with onions and garlic), and just before it came out of the oven, my cousin stopped by to visit, and there was EXACTLY enough food for the two of us. Then the next day I made dinner (pork roast with veggies and pasta) and for some strange reason I made a HUGE portion when I've been trying to cut down my portions to reduce leftovers (granted I love me some leftovers but still...), and two friends (one of who is a BIG eater) stopped by and T-man invited them to dinner. There was plenty for all.

A few nights later the same thing happened, and again I had made enough dinner without planning it consciously. Saturday I went on a frenzy of house cleaning. I've been letting things go, I think a little depressed and stressed out by some things going on in my life. Saturday I even got into the tub and scrubbed the walls. Ew. But my home almost sparkled like it hasn't in a long time. I had four unexpected guests that day, and three of their children along too. Guess it was "Visit Gryph Day." Fortunately, my place was pretty cleaned up. Or at least as cleaned up as I can catch up in one day.

There have been plenty of other instances. I get a little frustrated at having to explain these feelings sometimes, but fortunately some people do get it, so I have to fall back on. I know I'm not crazy- and my friends even used to call me to see what I felt about things all of the time. They trusted my intuition too.

I guess it's time for me to trust me a little more again.