Gryph's Lair

So I decided to go ahead and sign up for the Wicca 101 classes being offered at a local metaphysical shop. The instructor is a member of the Meetup group I attended the other day, and while I'm a little nervous, for some strange reason, I'm also looking forward to attending. It's a 10-class set.

I'm looking forward to the Meetup this weekend!! It's a pagan discussion group, meeting at a local metaphysical shop. This is the first meeting, and I'm thankful to be coming in on the "ground floor" because I'm not sure I'd have the guts at this point to jump feet first into an already established group. But at the same time, I've found no one, and I mean no one, to talk to about about any of this. My husband will listen, he's actually a very good listener, but I can't really bounce ideas off him because he doesn't have any interest.

I've even considered asking my ex's long-term girlfriend, but for some reason something keeps stopping me.

So it's off to the Meetup I go! I'm as usual battling my natural tendencies to be shy, and I've halfway considered canceling several times, but I'm not going to, dang it. I need to go, if nothing else than to lay some answers down at my feet.

I only have two more days to wait....

I think part of my frustration is not having anyone to answer my questions. Books and websites are all well and good, but I can't really ask a question. I suppose there are forums out there where I can find answers, but really where would I even start? I know there are a hundred different variations of Wicca (okay I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea), and so how do I find out which one is right for me? Do I just start with what I already feel is right, and keep track of it from there?

Do I seek to join a coven, or practice on my own? I don't really know yet.

I've read some great books. One that I just recently finished was my absolute favorite so far, and I plan to read it again. I will probably keep track of my reactions to the author's statements here, section by section.

What the author said made more sense than anything that I've read so far. I found myself nodding and hmmming with every paragraph, every page. The material was practical and did what I learn best with- don't just explain to me how something is done, tell me why it's done that way, teach me the history and the reasoning behind it.

Anyhow, enough rambling. Again. Guess I still have a lot of catching up to do!

So it's been a long few months, and I seem to have disappeared for awhile. Life intruded. I guess that's not a very good way to put it. I should say instead that life was blessedly busy! It's been a crazy path, but I haven't strayed- I just haven't made the time to post here.

I've been reading voraciously. I'm attending a pagan Meetup group this weekend (and I cannot WAIT), and I've been thinking, thinking, thinking....

I know it's probably pretty silly to be making such a fuss over this, but I can't seem to help it. It seems like it should be a simple decision, a simple twist of the path that I should be following with sheer confidence. But I haven't been.

The Craft feels right. I simply cannot explain it better. Nothing I have read or learned or studied gives me pause. It's my old prejudices and stereotypes that I have to deal with. That's a big thing for me. Which again, I know is silly, but I can't seem to work it all out.

My in-laws especially will not be okay with this. You might say, "well it's your life and your decision, so leave them out of it." But it's not really that simple. At least I haven't managed to squish it down into the little "don't worry about it" box. My husband is neutral. He believes in a higher power. That's about it. He's okay with whatever I do, whatever I decide.

I'm rambling. Just trying to get my ideas out of my head so I can make some sense of them. LOL!

My eldest daughter is thrilled. My ex's long-term girlfriend follows a Wiccan path, and from what I understand they celebrate together irregularly, and my eldest daughter has always had a fascination and a drawing to the craft. Maybe it's easier for her because I have worked very, very hard to raise her without the judgments I've had instilled. I don't know.

My family (mother, brother, sis-in-law) won't care one way or the other. They never were religious in any fashion. I only got involved in the Church through first our neighbor, then a close friend's family. Kinda funny, that.

So... back to my blogging. Back to figuring it all out. Why am I making this so damn complicated? It really isn't. It's a highly personal decision that shouldn't be anyone's business but my own. But I think working through my own fears about the family's opinion is part of my process.

Is it because I feel the same way, deep down? That doesn't feel right, considering the blessed CLEAN feeling I get when I am thinking about the Craft. I feel full of light, of goodness, and I have a spring in my step. Weariness is shed, sadness and anger slough away, and I'm just purely happy.

Then what's my problem? Sigh....

I believe in energies. Of people, places, things. Stones and gems, especially. I think they vibrate to specific energies, and I think it’s not necessarily all “magick,” either. Watches are run on quartz crystals, right? Ok, so let’s take that a step further and have a quick science lesson.
Quartz is a silicon dioxide in a crystal form. One of the properties of quartz that make it a unique and valuable material is that the crystalline structure is not altered by extremes of temperature or environment. Quartz crystals have been used for many years in radios, computers, and other devices as an oscillator. An oscillator vibrates or moves back and forth and can create energy. The frequency of the oscillation denotes it use. Shaping a quartz crystal in a certain way can generate power differently due to the changes in oscillation frequency. The quartz crystal can oscillate at a very low frequency (for a watch) or high frequency for a powerful radio receiver. The best thing about the quartz crystal is that is oscillates at a constant speed making it a perfect device for keeping time. The quartz crystal used in most watches is a straight bar and oscillates at 32 kilohertz, which is very low. A battery keeps the crystal oscillating and the oscillation keeps the time precise.
/science lesson
So, now tell me that there are no such things are energies! ;) But you better back it up with proof!
I’ve always felt energies, every since I was a little girl. To me, it was just part of what the world was, and it was to be accepted, just like my sense of smell. I never wondered what I was sensing; I just sensed it. Certain stones gave off special energies, and I was always attracted to them. I’ve always had a “rock collection” of some sort. When I was a child, it was just a collection of stones that called to me. Nowadays it’s much more specific collection, although it’s still a variety of stones that have called to me for one reason or another (trust me, it’s an extensive collection- spread throughout my house and garden).
Today I’m wearing freshwater pearls. According to Shimmerlings (http://www.shimmerlings.com), “Pearls help one connect with the Goddess, the ultimate feminine energy.” Also, “Chronic headaches and migraines may be alleviated or completely cured by wearing a pearl necklace directly on the skin.” I find this highly amusing, and it really made me happy to read that I chose just the right stone to wear today. Not only am I trying to attain connection with the Goddess, I have been dealing with migraine headaches since Friday. I didn’t choose my pearls because of those associations (which I looked up after I got to work, already pearl-clad). I chose them because today, for whatever reason, the pearls decided to get worn. ;)
I swear I can feel my pearls tingle, just as I can feel every other stone tingle as well. Nature is amazing. Simply, absolutely amazing.

I’m a firm believer in coincidence and déjà vu. I’ve long believed that when I see such signs, it’s time to stop and take a look around and take notice. What is going on in my life that I’m getting this type of affirmation?

My personal belief has always been that when one experiences déjà vu and coincidence that one is following the “right path.” Not that I necessarily belief that Fate has stepped in and shown her hand. More, I believe that it’s the Universe’s way (God/dess’ way?) of assuring you that you’re doing the right thing.

That’s been happening a lot lately. As in, every day, and almost every hour. It’s pretty funny, but in a light-hearted, laugh-out-loud sort of way. A happy way.

When I started to research the Wiccan path (ironically, on August 2), the signs began to flood over me! I can’t even tell you how many times things have flashed my way.

The books I was reading, from a mystery to a lurid romance, to fantasy and even sci-fi, all began to have references to Wiccan theories and beliefs. And it’s not just the bought-a-car-theory. You know the one I mean, that you buy a particular make and model of a car, in a specific shade of blue, for example. Suddenly, EVERYwhere you look you see the EXACT same car. Where did they all come from? Well, of course, it’s just that now you are paying more attention and know what to look for, which is why you can pick those cars out of the seething masses traveling our highways and byways.

This was different. I’m an avid reader, I always have been. And I’ve noticed when there have been Wiccan references in the past, because this has been something prickling at the back of my consciousness for years now. But suddenly, and I mean literally ON August 2, once I ordered my Wicca books from Amazon, every single blasted book I’ve read has had some sort of reference. Books I’ve borrowed, books I bought years ago, you name it.I'm talking at least 20 books here.

So of course I just laugh and take that as yet another assertion that I’m on the right path. And then there are the coincidences, which just keep coming.

Yesterday, I was watching one of my favorite TV shows. The lawyer-lady, Jane, is spieling off to the Jury in Court about the book, Are You My Mother? She’s explaining to the Jury why we all have an innate need to know our mothers, and that’s why the little birdie went looking for it’s mama.

That afternoon, my seven-year-old daughter was doing her reading homework, and brought her book up to me to ask a question about it. Guess what she was reading? Yup- Are You My Mother. She was at school still while I was watching my show, so how exactly did that happen?

Today, I decided to poke around the drawer of my desk. I've only been at my new job for a few weeks, and I haven't QUITE gotten all of the mess organized. I came across some printable business cards, which I remember my boss mentioning. So I went ahead and designed and printed a set of cards for both him and me today. Out of the blue, this afternoon some new clients stopped in, and asked for our cards. If I hadn't printed them this morning, I wouldn't have had any to give them. Mere coincidence? I think not.

So I take the signs of the universe and I file them quietly away in the back of my heart, and I smile and continue on my path.

One thing I read the other day in a YA Vampyre series (yes, spelled with a “y”), of all things, really smacked me in the face. The heroine asked the Goddess (summarized, not directly quoted) “Why do these terrible things happen? Why don’t you step in and stop bad things from happening?”

It’s a question I’ve asked my Christian God many, many times. My Christian Faith’s answer was “Just have Faith. God knows what He is doing, and He has a plan for everything.

Whaaaa…? Sorry, that just doesn’t fly with me. It’s never sat right in my soul. You’re asking me to give blind Faith? With no proof? No evidence that it’s the right thing to do? I simply have been unable to swallow that.

So, in response to the questions in the Vampyre book- “Free will, my dear!” The God/dess has blessed humans with Free Will, and it is our duty to the universe to make the right choices.

I like that answer. And more to the point, it makes SENSE! Believing that makes me thing that there isn’t a cruel God out there somewhere laying someone in your path to HURT you “for God’s reasons.” I mean, really?! It makes a lot more sense that we’re all “on our own” regarding our personal choices and decisions. Not that there is no God/dess out there somewhere looking over us. But here comes the Wiccan crede, “An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will.” Make the right choices, sacrifice when it’s needed; stand up for yourself and your beliefs.

When I was a baby, as the story was told to me, my grandparents took me to have me baptized as a Catholic without my parents’ permission. Needless to say, my parents were not pleased. I don’t remember ever going to church with my parents, or my grandparents for that matter. But our neighbor took us (my younger brother and I) with her family regularly. I don’t remember which church they attended; it could have been the same Lutheran Church I attended later.

I remember learning about the bible in Sunday school. The stories fascinated me. They were like the most fabulous storybooks I could find. But even then I never took them as historical facts.

I had a very good friend as of first grade. You could call her my BFF (Best Friend Forever) all through elementary school (for that matter we still maintain a friendship, although we are not as close as we once were). Her family attended a Lutheran church, and I began to attend with them. By this time my brother was no longer attending. I’m not even sure exactly at what age I began to attend with my BFF rather than my neighbor. I attended service on Sunday (at least once, sometimes twice), I had bible study (Wednesday School) on Wednesdays after school, and sometimes we attended a special Thursday service. Not to mention the myriad events and activities that went on in-between that required even more time at church. I would definitely have considered myself devout at that point.

Anyhow, longish story short, I attended regularly and enjoyed it, although I still didn’t take the bible seriously. It was a book of stories, nothing more. I grew up assuming those stories were like Aesop's Fables- meant to be analogies to learn from, not writ to live by.

As I got older, and it became apparent to me that we were supposed to truly believe that the events in the bible really did take place (excuse the pun, but the phrase “gospel truth” comes to mind), I was pretty horrified. Really?! Are you serious? Hm…. I think I may always have been a skeptic.

The times for the next events are pretty jumbled up in my head. I know they happened in this order, and extremely close together, but I’m not entirely sure exactly when they happened. First, my mom’s dad died after a long battle with cancer, and then our long-time dog died of old age (we had to put him down), and then my dad’s mom died after her own battle with cancer. Church was a solace during these times.

So anyhow, I was involved in church very actively until 5th grade, when we moved to another nearby town. I occasionally stayed over at the BFF’s house after that, and attended church whenever I did, but since my parents didn’t attend church, once I moved my attendance was sporadic at best.

Then my aunt killed herself. The reason behind it is sad; she was a very confused, weak, and mentally unbalanced woman. During a weekend visit at the BFF’s, I attended church and sought out our pastor for solace. I was pretty confused and hurting. My aunt was one of my favorite people, although even as a child it felt like I needed to be taking care of her rather than the other way around.

I guess I was seeking wisdom and guidance more than anything. After all, I was young enough that I hadn’t quite figured out all the hows and whys and wherefores of the bible. What would happen to my aunt’s soul? Would she go to Heaven? Would God forgive her for her mistake, which she tried to take back right before she passed? I didn’t know.

The pastor sadly but sternly informed me that my aunt would be cursed with eternity in Hell because she had committed the sin of taking her own life. I was completely, utterly shocked. I left his office wrapped in a shroud of disbelief. I never went back to church after that. I wanted nothing to do with a God who would not forgive and embrace one crazy, grief-stricken, messed-up woman.

Now that I am older, I understand that there are many different beliefs among the Christian set, and really there was no need to “turn from God.” But then again, how to take my entire belief set and transfer it blindly to a whole new set of rules? And really, if there can be so many differing “truths” among each Christian set, which one is the “right” one? Some of the differences are pretty extreme. The beliefs vary widely, so how exactly does that work? Different types of Christianity even interpret the bible different. So, again I ask, which is “right?”

I somehow found a group of friends in high school. I can't even remember anymore how I found them or they found me- it was still during my incredibly, painfully shy period. It's hard to look back now and remember just how bad my social anxiety was. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I see now that we actually were involved in a coven of sorts. There were two strong individuals that I would now view as co-priestesses. We studied crystals, tarot, runes, auras, totem animals, and many other facets along these veins. While religion specifically really didn't fit into our picture, I had finally found a new home where I could really feel that things were right. I didn't question any of the beliefs. Meditation became my friend, and was really the first stepping stone to dealing with that awkward social anxiety.

It was during those blissful months that I began to develop my intuition, and really started to trust those humming strong instincts that I had always tried to shut down previously. It was a glorious time, and was the most free I've ever felt until this last year.

Over the next few years, as some of our group graduated high school and went on into the world, and some of us stayed behind, we seemed to fracture and even in the hallways it was as if we had never really existed as a cohesive unit at one time. The knowledge stayed with me though. I still treasured my stones, and my poor little 1JJ Tarot Deck (the first tarot deck to be offered by US Games) became tattered and was retired for a newer deck. I drifted a little, aimless. I think I was looking for someone to lead me down my path, rather than seeking it on my own. I still didn't know how I felt about religion. I talked to God on my own, not necessarily praying as I was taught, but talking all the same. I read the Book of Mormon and several other religious texts, but again nothing seemed to call to me.

I met my ex-husband in high school. Later, once we were seriously dating, I learned about his family’s beliefs; they follow the Bahá'í Faith (http://www.bahai.org/). Wow. Talk about a completely different story! The idea that there was truth in nearly every faith rocked me on my heels, but it also seemed right. It made sense to me, while Christianity and the bible did not. I began to follow the Bahá'í Faith as well. Unfortunately, as time passed, while the basic beliefs of the religion rang true within me, many followers of the Faith were mired in a murky pool of politics and rules that just didn’t jive with my feelings. It still didn’t feel right to me. I lived many years feeling the beliefs, but not participating in any way outside of the family because I just could not come to terms with some of the rules, and the politics just plain made me sick.

Silly, really, with how I like to organize and compartmentalize. But there you have it.

I again went my own route, and I built my own belief system. Shocking, I know, but it really seemed to work for me. I felt much more peaceful, even if there was an occasional twinge when I realized I didn't really "belong" anywhere specific. There was no one to talk to that felt the same way, although for short time I did find one friend who really taught me to stretch my wings. Out came my crystal books and tarot decks, and we spent hours and hours talking about intuition, past lives, and fairies. Over time things grew strained and it wasn't until my now-ex-husband sat me down with all of our friends to announce that he had been cheating on me nearly our entire marriage that I understood why. My friend's husband was helping my ex to hide his secrets, and it was tearing him apart. As his partner, she was privy to the knowledge and I think our relationship never really healed from the surrounding events. I withdrew spiritually to lick my wounds and nearly all of my energy and time and was spent surviving and raising my four young children on my own. I had to recreate the self that I knew; I was no longer the stereotypical stay-at-home wife and mother. It took time, but eventually I was able to become a person that I could be proud of. My current husband came into the picture during this time, and must have seen something in me that I didn't see, because he stuck around through all the drama and is the most amazing love of my life.

Looking back over the years and really studying where I've come from, I can now recognize that the event that precipitated my journey among religions was my aunt's death. I truly do think that the soul lives on, and I think she had a chance to make amends for taking her own life. It was a mistake, and she can be forgiven for that. I will accept no other truth. I know, stubborn, huh?

So now, about a year ago (it was actually on Lughnasadh, which shocked and amazed me when I learned about the coincidence), I started to seriously study the Pagan path. I realize now that I've been headed down that path for a long time now. It was with a sense of exhilaration, mixed with a little trepidation, that I ordered a few books and began to surf the Net looking for answers. The journey had begun. I think I've found some of those answers. And here, within these "pages," will be my musings.

Enjoy.