One thing I read the other day in a YA Vampyre series (yes, spelled with a “y”), of all things, really smacked me in the face. The heroine asked the Goddess (summarized, not directly quoted) “Why do these terrible things happen? Why don’t you step in and stop bad things from happening?”
It’s a question I’ve asked my Christian God many, many times. My Christian Faith’s answer was “Just have Faith. God knows what He is doing, and He has a plan for everything.
Whaaaa…? Sorry, that just doesn’t fly with me. It’s never sat right in my soul. You’re asking me to give blind Faith? With no proof? No evidence that it’s the right thing to do? I simply have been unable to swallow that.
So, in response to the questions in the Vampyre book- “Free will, my dear!” The God/dess has blessed humans with Free Will, and it is our duty to the universe to make the right choices.
I like that answer. And more to the point, it makes SENSE! Believing that makes me thing that there isn’t a cruel God out there somewhere laying someone in your path to HURT you “for God’s reasons.” I mean, really?! It makes a lot more sense that we’re all “on our own” regarding our personal choices and decisions. Not that there is no God/dess out there somewhere looking over us. But here comes the Wiccan crede, “An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will.” Make the right choices, sacrifice when it’s needed; stand up for yourself and your beliefs.
When I was a baby, as the story was told to me, my grandparents took me to have me baptized as a Catholic without my parents’ permission. Needless to say, my parents were not pleased. I don’t remember ever going to church with my parents, or my grandparents for that matter. But our neighbor took us (my younger brother and I) with her family regularly. I don’t remember which church they attended; it could have been the same Lutheran Church I attended later.
I remember learning about the bible in Sunday school. The stories fascinated me. They were like the most fabulous storybooks I could find. But even then I never took them as historical facts.
I had a very good friend as of first grade. You could call her my BFF (Best Friend Forever) all through elementary school (for that matter we still maintain a friendship, although we are not as close as we once were). Her family attended a Lutheran church, and I began to attend with them. By this time my brother was no longer attending. I’m not even sure exactly at what age I began to attend with my BFF rather than my neighbor. I attended service on Sunday (at least once, sometimes twice), I had bible study (Wednesday School) on Wednesdays after school, and sometimes we attended a special Thursday service. Not to mention the myriad events and activities that went on in-between that required even more time at church. I would definitely have considered myself devout at that point.
Anyhow, longish story short, I attended regularly and enjoyed it, although I still didn’t take the bible seriously. It was a book of stories, nothing more. I grew up assuming those stories were like Aesop's Fables- meant to be analogies to learn from, not writ to live by.
As I got older, and it became apparent to me that we were supposed to truly believe that the events in the bible really did take place (excuse the pun, but the phrase “gospel truth” comes to mind), I was pretty horrified. Really?! Are you serious? Hm…. I think I may always have been a skeptic.
The times for the next events are pretty jumbled up in my head. I know they happened in this order, and extremely close together, but I’m not entirely sure exactly when they happened. First, my mom’s dad died after a long battle with cancer, and then our long-time dog died of old age (we had to put him down), and then my dad’s mom died after her own battle with cancer. Church was a solace during these times.
So anyhow, I was involved in church very actively until 5th grade, when we moved to another nearby town. I occasionally stayed over at the BFF’s house after that, and attended church whenever I did, but since my parents didn’t attend church, once I moved my attendance was sporadic at best.
Then my aunt killed herself. The reason behind it is sad; she was a very confused, weak, and mentally unbalanced woman. During a weekend visit at the BFF’s, I attended church and sought out our pastor for solace. I was pretty confused and hurting. My aunt was one of my favorite people, although even as a child it felt like I needed to be taking care of her rather than the other way around.
I guess I was seeking wisdom and guidance more than anything. After all, I was young enough that I hadn’t quite figured out all the hows and whys and wherefores of the bible. What would happen to my aunt’s soul? Would she go to Heaven? Would God forgive her for her mistake, which she tried to take back right before she passed? I didn’t know.
The pastor sadly but sternly informed me that my aunt would be cursed with eternity in Hell because she had committed the sin of taking her own life. I was completely, utterly shocked. I left his office wrapped in a shroud of disbelief. I never went back to church after that. I wanted nothing to do with a God who would not forgive and embrace one crazy, grief-stricken, messed-up woman.
Now that I am older, I understand that there are many different beliefs among the Christian set, and really there was no need to “turn from God.” But then again, how to take my entire belief set and transfer it blindly to a whole new set of rules? And really, if there can be so many differing “truths” among each Christian set, which one is the “right” one? Some of the differences are pretty extreme. The beliefs vary widely, so how exactly does that work? Different types of Christianity even interpret the bible different. So, again I ask, which is “right?”
I somehow found a group of friends in high school. I can't even remember anymore how I found them or they found me- it was still during my incredibly, painfully shy period. It's hard to look back now and remember just how bad my social anxiety was. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I see now that we actually were involved in a coven of sorts. There were two strong individuals that I would now view as co-priestesses. We studied crystals, tarot, runes, auras, totem animals, and many other facets along these veins. While religion specifically really didn't fit into our picture, I had finally found a new home where I could really feel that things were right. I didn't question any of the beliefs. Meditation became my friend, and was really the first stepping stone to dealing with that awkward social anxiety.
It was during those blissful months that I began to develop my intuition, and really started to trust those humming strong instincts that I had always tried to shut down previously. It was a glorious time, and was the most free I've ever felt until this last year.
Over the next few years, as some of our group graduated high school and went on into the world, and some of us stayed behind, we seemed to fracture and even in the hallways it was as if we had never really existed as a cohesive unit at one time. The knowledge stayed with me though. I still treasured my stones, and my poor little 1JJ Tarot Deck (the first tarot deck to be offered by US Games) became tattered and was retired for a newer deck. I drifted a little, aimless. I think I was looking for someone to lead me down my path, rather than seeking it on my own. I still didn't know how I felt about religion. I talked to God on my own, not necessarily praying as I was taught, but talking all the same. I read the Book of Mormon and several other religious texts, but again nothing seemed to call to me.
I met my ex-husband in high school. Later, once we were seriously dating, I learned about his family’s beliefs; they follow the Bahá'í Faith (http://www.bahai.org/). Wow. Talk about a completely different story! The idea that there was truth in nearly every faith rocked me on my heels, but it also seemed right. It made sense to me, while Christianity and the bible did not. I began to follow the Bahá'í Faith as well. Unfortunately, as time passed, while the basic beliefs of the religion rang true within me, many followers of the Faith were mired in a murky pool of politics and rules that just didn’t jive with my feelings. It still didn’t feel right to me. I lived many years feeling the beliefs, but not participating in any way outside of the family because I just could not come to terms with some of the rules, and the politics just plain made me sick.
Silly, really, with how I like to organize and compartmentalize. But there you have it.
I again went my own route, and I built my own belief system. Shocking, I know, but it really seemed to work for me. I felt much more peaceful, even if there was an occasional twinge when I realized I didn't really "belong" anywhere specific. There was no one to talk to that felt the same way, although for short time I did find one friend who really taught me to stretch my wings. Out came my crystal books and tarot decks, and we spent hours and hours talking about intuition, past lives, and fairies. Over time things grew strained and it wasn't until my now-ex-husband sat me down with all of our friends to announce that he had been cheating on me nearly our entire marriage that I understood why. My friend's husband was helping my ex to hide his secrets, and it was tearing him apart. As his partner, she was privy to the knowledge and I think our relationship never really healed from the surrounding events. I withdrew spiritually to lick my wounds and nearly all of my energy and time and was spent surviving and raising my four young children on my own. I had to recreate the self that I knew; I was no longer the stereotypical stay-at-home wife and mother. It took time, but eventually I was able to become a person that I could be proud of. My current husband came into the picture during this time, and must have seen something in me that I didn't see, because he stuck around through all the drama and is the most amazing love of my life.
Looking back over the years and really studying where I've come from, I can now recognize that the event that precipitated my journey among religions was my aunt's death. I truly do think that the soul lives on, and I think she had a chance to make amends for taking her own life. It was a mistake, and she can be forgiven for that. I will accept no other truth. I know, stubborn, huh?
So now, about a year ago (it was actually on Lughnasadh, which shocked and amazed me when I learned about the coincidence), I started to seriously study the Pagan path. I realize now that I've been headed down that path for a long time now. It was with a sense of exhilaration, mixed with a little trepidation, that I ordered a few books and began to surf the Net looking for answers. The journey had begun. I think I've found some of those answers. And here, within these "pages," will be my musings.
Enjoy.
